It's been a pretty mild ride, my life so far. Nothing extreme happened to me, and I'm very thankful for that.
I'd like to keep it that way. When it comes to things I can control, this means maintaining a balanced approach.
For those things outside my control what seems to work to some degree is: a. cultivate an attitude of acceptance and develop an understanding that they are necessary; b. remember to have fun and love those darkest moments despite their nature; and c. nonetheless strive for change, growth, and excellence.
The problem is that this is all contradictory. Accepting something (part a) is quite clearly in contradiction with attempting to change it (c). Maintaining a carefree attitude in a given situation (b) is seemingly at odds with working to change that situation (c). And, finally, if something is necessary (a) then is it sensible to look towards changing it (c)?
These three pesky ideas seem to ram their heads against each other to a deadlock.
But it's only half a problem if we look at this picture through the perspective of (a). In particular, part (a) seems to teach me that many things outside my control are necessary. Maybe contradiction itself is necessary?
And so I find myself in a situation that is rightly contradictory and self-referential. I'll take it.
I'd like to use this ground for building a personal history of sorts: moments and ideas that I can use later on, references to my future self. It would be roughly centered around the three topics I mentioned above. In this sense, it's mostly a personal & individually-oriented project.
I also want to make myself more deliberate and transparent in my actions and intentions – both towards myself and towards others. Writing things down changes who I am. I grew up in a culture of zero-sum thinking which taught me that hiding one's actions or motives from others can be beneficial, which are typical behaviors in communism and post-communistic cultures. What happens in childhood rarely, if ever, leaves us, so part of this project in openness is about counterbalancing that kind of early education that was imparted on me. Part of it is about something else that I'm not even sure what it is, and will likely discover along the way.
For these reasons, a writing ground such as this one seems appropriate.